I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
