you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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