If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
