I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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