so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
