Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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