Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
