There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
My roommate just did the walk of shame in last nights corset back to our room to find her dad there. THATS why i go to school out of state.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
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