u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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