after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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