When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
