I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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