I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
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