i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
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