I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
