I hate all girls vehemently.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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