did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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