also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
