My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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