I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
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you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
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Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
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