Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
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