so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
