Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
