Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
