Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
