Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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