I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
