Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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