oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
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