Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
