they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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