There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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