last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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