He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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