Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
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