you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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