Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Below this exterior of ice is a layer of cum. Followed by a pool of gin. More cum. Then, finally a heart.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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