i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
