Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
