I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
