Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
