she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
