pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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