omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
