I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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