when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize