you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
