Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
