Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
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