That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
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i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
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I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
So. Much. Porn.
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