I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
