Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Randomize
