omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Randomize
