Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
