What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
