please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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